If I said to you: emotional exhaustion…
If you’ve every typed “emotional exhaustion” into Google, chances are you already know the feelings I’m about to describe – and you just want to understand it. Maybe you are feeling totally “flat” or like you’re shrouded by a “gloom” that just won’t lift. If you’re normally pretty chilled and tolerant, you might be finding yourself having a short fuse over small things that normally wouldn’t bother you. You likely feel like you’re “running on empty” no matter how much you rest. You might call it burnout. Overwhelm. Feeling stretched-too-thin, and with boundary setting feeling impossible.
Whatever way you describe it, I want you to know you’re not imagining it, and you’re not irreversibly broken. Emotional exhaustion is real and it’s more common than you might think. Importantly – it’s understandable and with the right guidance and support, it’s recoverable. I’m Kerri Speyers, an Emotional Intelligence and Life Empowerment Coach and here’s how I think about it emotional exhaustion.
Why You Can’t Just “Switch Off” and Relax
Emotional exhaustion isn’t simply “being tired” like we get tired in a physical sense. If your body has been constantly stuck in a state of “high alert” or being “on edge” for a long time, this will very likely lead to the emotional exhaustion of your nervous system. Whenever you’re constantly managing, anticipating, problem-solving or holding things together for everyone else, your body doesn’t necessarily get the signal that it’s safe to relax and switch off. Your day-to-day life can look calm and organised from the outside and you might think you’re (mostly!) on top of things. But sustaining this juggling and multitasking long term is precisely what does the damage.
And this is also why rest doesn’t always help the way you’d expect. You might have a weekend off or get a good night’s sleep – but you’re still flat, numb or overwhelmed. Be assured, though, it’s not a personal failing if you feel like you can’t cope with things. Chances are your nervous system just hasn’t been able to properly regulate. In the work I do with my clients, I explain that the starting point is often about learning to recognise this constantly “wired” state in ourselves. We’ve often been in this high-alert state for so long, over such a long build up, that we don’t realise we haven’t always been like that!.
From this position of self-awareness we can then work to gently shift these states so that recovery is possible. And it’s not just about doing less – don’t worry! It’s more about gently coaxing and nurturing your body learn what “safe and settled” actually feels like once again.
Where it Comes From: The Gradual Build Up of Stress
Emotional exhaustion is rarely caused by just one big event or task. More often, it’s the accumulation of many, many smaller pressures. Rather like what modern day life looks like! Things like: work demands, being a caregiver, coping with financial stress, relationship strain, holding unprocessed grief or experiencing life changes (a new job, moving house, illness). In all likelyhood, it’s probably a combination of these things – they’ve all been stacking up faster than you’ve had the chance to recover from them.
And because it builds up so gradually, it’s easy to miss what’s going on until. Before you know it, you’re already in too deep and overwhelmed by it. You adapt as much as you can. You’re a strong woman, so you push through. And you tell yourself it will ease up soon. And it might not be until you’re completely depleted that you stop and ask yourself “how on earth did I end up here?” I see this regularly with the people I work with. My clients are nearly always capable, caring people who just kept going long after their tank was empty. Because – where is and what is the other option – right?
When You Find You’ve Lost Touch With Your Own Emotions
One of the trickiest parts of emotional exhaustion is that it can leave you disconnected from your own emotions. You might feel “off” without being able to say why. You might feel every emotion at once, or nothing at all. This isn’t a lack of self-awareness. It’s often what happens when emotions have been pushed aside for too long in order to keep functioning.
Understanding your emotions – what they are, where they come from, and what they’re trying to tell you – is a learned skill, and not something you’re born with or without. We’re not taught this in school, are we! Helping people build this skill of understanding emotions is something I specialise in. I do this so that emotions become useful information again, rather than being a confusing, overwhelming weight on their shoulders.
The Patterns of Behaviour that Quietly Keep it Going
Emotional exhaustion is easily reinforced by our patterns of behaviour. The things that we do that are largly ‘automatic’ are the things that we often don’t realise are hurting us. Behaviours like: being high-functioning and high-achieving, people-pleasing, saying yes when we mean no, and taking care of everyone – except ourselves. These patterns usually formed for good reason. They’re behaviours that often took root early in our life as ways of staying safe, needed, or in control.
The trouble is, these same patterns that once protected us can be detrimental to us in our adult years. Overcoming emotional exhaustion, with real, lasting change comes from – firstly – noticing these patterns. Once we can see them in ourselves, we can begin to understand where they came from. From that point we can gently, without judgment (even though we really want to blame our parents!), begin to learn new ways of responding to events and dealing with emotions. These approaches form the core of my work with clients.
Does Any of This Sound Familiar? The Everyday Signs of Overwhelm
Overwhelm isn’t usually sudden and dramatic. Quite often, it’s simply the small, everyday moments you’ll notice. Perhaps you’re staring at a full inbox on the screen, but find yourself being unable to start. It could be that you realise you’re snapping at your kids or partner over something minor. Then, for the umpteenth time, you’ve forgotten something you’d normally remember. Or, it could be feeling a wave of dread about a list of tasks that once felt manageable.
If any of these types of things sound like you these days, it doesn’t mean you’re failing or falling apart. It means your capacity has been stretched beyond what is sustainable for you at this time. What is significant here is that this is a sign to get support, not to put the blinkers on and push harder!
How I Help People Like You
I’m a qualified and accredited life coach with over 8 years of experience working with people. Having said that, my approach is not text book based! The way I work with people is strongly influenced by my own lived experience of life’s challenges. My own early experiences, difficulties and challenges are very much what part of what led me to this work in the first place. I understand, both personally and professionally, what it takes to move from feeling depleted and disconnected to feeling grounded, capable and like your whole self – and the person you are meant to be.
Working with me means having a safe, nurturing space to understand your emotions. I can help you recognise the patterns that are keeping you stuck. More than once a client has told me they’ve had an ‘ah-hah’ moment when they’ve suddenly, clearly recognised a pattern they’ve kept repeating again and again! With this new found clarity, I can then help you find a way to move forward. We work together to help you build the tools to regulate stress. Rather than simply survive stress, we work on helping you to manage it so you can navigate life’s challenges and become your best self. For some clients, that also means joining me at one of my health and wellness retreats. These retreats are a meaningful pause in your life, where there’s time and space to really immerse yourself in connection, healing and the opportunity to reset.
And – if emotional exhaustion is something you’re seeing across your workplace or team, I also run workplace wellness programs to support that.
Based in South East Queensland – available Australia-wide, online
I’m based between the cities of Ipswich and Brisbane in South East Queensland, Australia. Whichever area you are in, my workshops, retreats, events and coaching options are available and accessible. I also work online with people across Australia, so wherever you are, support is available.
A Warm Invitation to Talk With Me
You don’t have to keep pushing through emotional exhaustion on your own. If any of what you’ve read here resonates, get in touch. Contact me through my Contact page HERE. This simple first step could have you feeling like yourself again before you know it.
